The Frozen River

Once in a great while the river I live on actually freezes. This may not seem like a big deal, living in New England, but it is. I’ve been here for about five years and I’ve only seen it freeze over once before. It’s funny it should happen now, because it’s exactly how my heart feels, frozen. Did you ever feel, that you have done and seen everything you were meant to here on earth? I suppose if you’re a Christian, you always believe that God has more in store for you, at least until he’s ready to take you home with him, but I experience this feeling so often that it can’t be mere coincidence. I’m not dying and to my knowledge, except with the problems growing older brings, I know of no impending life ending medical issues. My younger daughter FaceTimes me every day and just recently got a great job doing important scientific testing, that I know will make a difference. Strangely though, my older daughter, who works a full time job, maintains a 4.0 GPA, is president of the honor society at grad school, and is working toward her masters in school counseling, has also been checking in every day. It is such a blessing and makes me so happy (I’ve missed her).  She is married and my younger daughter shares a home with her boyfriend, both wonderful men, with quirks that my daughters love and accept. They need me, I know they do, for who doesn’t need a mom? Knowing they are on their individual paths towards greatness (they were actually always great), I mean stability makes me so happy! Reflecting on my life though, as I try often not to do, because it’s not exactly uplifting, I can’t help but feel deep in my heart and soul, that I have done and seen everything I was ever meant to, and although I do have regrets for the life I’ve lived, I know deep down there is nothing more I want to see or do.  My daughters have a future, one I know I will share in whether my physical body is here or not, for I still share in my mothers; when I talk to her, she’s here, when I look for her, I see her everywhere.  People speak of “bucket lists” I have to admit, though I respect their vision for themselves, I do not, nor would not, care to have one. I’m pretty much done. So God, if you’re listening, I will tell you once again as I have many times before, I’m ready. I’m not frightened, what I am is tired. Tired of being sad, tired of physical pain and most of all just tired. I long for the day when my body is gone, when I don’t open my eyes and randomly hear screeching in my ear, feel pain in my neck and back, leave the house with a good attitude only to be disappointed and most of all put one human foot in front of the other. I have had a good life, far from perfect, but I’ve made two daughters who are perfection to me. My heart is frozen God and I’m more than ready for my next chapter.

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