Do I Know What Love Is?

Last night while on vacation with my beautiful sisters, we decided to watch a movie before bed. My older sister suggested a romantic comedy and although I’m not much for romantic comedies, I deferred to the majority. As I watched it, I became more and more cynical. What should have been cute and romantic, became increasingly sickening and disheartening to me. I didn’t cry like I thought I would, instead I got extremely pissed off. I said to myself (although I may have mumbled it out loud) “no wonder girls grow up with a screwed up view of love.” Off to bed I went, and the tears rolled silently down my cheeks. I woke early this morning and my older sister joined me shortly after. We talked of the past and the present. Both my sisters had heard from their husbands to chat and say goodnight; mine hadn’t checked in. I sound bothered by that, but I’m not. He can be a man of few words and sometimes we exchange only a few on a daily basis. I know he loves me so his words wouldn’t make a difference one way or the other. I brought up my past relationships with men and told her “I was questioning whether I actually knew what love was.” I met my ex husband and thought that was true love, then I had an affair and divorced him. I thought I loved the man I had the affair with (at least at one point) and I know I love my current husband, but do I really know what love is, at least as far as men are concerned? How could I have thought I loved the man who caused the breakup of my marriage and if I loved my ex husband as much as I thought I did, how could I have allowed it to happen? I know there are many kinds of love. I will never question the love I have for my children, it is the purest of all, but I’m not convinced at all, that I know what it means to love a man and for that matter, if I ever will. I still love my ex husband, I don’t love the man I had the affair with and I love my current husband. What does that mean? I know I have the capability to love, but do I know what love is? Will I ever? Did I see too many of these unrealistic movies that romanticize love instead of really define it? How dangerous is it to love too much?  For me loving too much has caused a lot of pain and heartache. The ability to love more than one person can be a blessing if you can define what love really means . . . I’m not sure I’ll ever get there.

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